Well, I was going to wait until the New Year to start writing a journal... and then I figured that maybe I'd just do it online, since well, let's face it... that's how everything is done now. Plus, I can't post pictures in a journal :-) I decided not to wait because I have a bit of exciting news to share that will kind of kick off this whole blogging thing.
So, we all have dreams right? Some of us decide to go after them and some of us believe that they are better left off as dreams... where they are safe and sound... where they can't get crushed. Well, luckily, I had an upbringing that always encouraged to go after what I wanted, mostly because my parents never got to go after any of their dreams and they didn't want me to end up... less than content, which is what I believe they are, but that's a whole different story. So, now I'm this big dreamer with big dreams of becoming a singer and an actress on Broadway. Baby steps, Katie, baby steps. Gotta start at the bottom first. Well I started at the bottom, but let's just skip to now. After a lot of auditioning and ALOT of what I like to call "Thanks but No Thanks" emails, I finally booked a national tour. A REAL PAYING JOB doing what I love more than anything... singing and acting and making people feel things that they might not get to in their normal lives! God, I love it. So, here's the catch. I'm not as excited about it as I thought I would be. Don't get me wrong, I am so freaking happy to be cast finally. I mean, not everyone who wants to do this actually gets to do this for their job. And yet, I am quite anxious about it all.
I found out sometime around noon today and, Jesus, was I ecstatic. I mean, I could barely concentrate on anything else. As the next couple of hours went by, though, I started to get anxiety about it all. And then I REALLY couldn't concentrate on anything. As a matter of fact, I had a couple mini anxiety attacks, or at least what felt like one. "Wait, but that means I'll miss this birthday and that wedding and people will go on and hang out and forget that I was ever here." "They'll move on to someone else, or somewhere else, and then when I get back, I won't have anything." These are the thoughts that started and have continues to enter my head all day today after my initial excitement. Sounds irrational right? Well, in my head, they are very real fears.
Let me explain- I've never actually had the balls to leave home. I mean, I moved out for a couple of years in college... but I only moved about a half hour away... and was home almost every weekend... and was constantly in contact with family and friends who lived nearby. It wasn't really "away". So, although the distant thought of leaving Philly and exploring other cities is completely exhilarating and a huge part of my dream, when it comes down to it... it scares the shit out of me. So, I panic. Change makes me panic, especially big change. This change, although temporary, is a big one for me.
I have people here. My people. Friends. Family. Special people to me. That I see almost everyday. Bars that I drink at regularly where they know who I am and don't check my ID. Places that I feel comfortable. Comfort. What a wonderful and, yet, awfully terrible thing. It can be our greatest help and our greatest hinderance. Right now, it's a hinderance. That is why I titled my blog PASSION OVER COMFORT. It's kind of been a saying that I've said for a couple years now because I thought I was being so bold by "going after my dreams". Well, that moment hasn't actually come until today. Now, I'm really choosing my passion over my comforts. On February 5, I'll leave for four months to tour with American Family Theatre's Beauty and the Beast and I won't be back until May 27. Four months. That's a long time for me. So, follow me here on my journey and help me overcome my fear of leaving comfort behind.
